17 February Journal

Good Evening Everyone!! I am finally home for a bit. I am not really sure just how long I will be home. Actually it is more like sunday 16 February in the evening. I am totally exhausted and need to go to bed. I spent most of the day driving after getting up at 430 from a late night with the boss and other employees. So Yes I am worn out. I thought I should attempt to write something.

Its been a long week of hotel and boss, setting up a location is a drag. Long days, short nights, and lots of ever loven stress!! It has been a learning experience. As I travel from location to location, city to city, I am learning more and more about myself. Some these things I am going to have to write about at another time. As I come more and more into myself, so does my self esteem and confidence about certain aspects of myself are growing as well.

I am beginning to wonder, if I am going to make any sense with this writing tonight. The Laundry from about two weeks, or what feels like two weeks is done in the washer and now in the dryer. The movie I am watching is a little boring  for an exhausted woman. So I think I will finish this post tomorrow which why I titled it 17th.

So Now its its the 18th and I missed a day. I am so tired, I worked from home yesterday and was at work today. Will have to be there again tomorrow also. I am planning on early bed as soon as the dinner gets hot in the oven. I had to stop at the grocery on the way home. I was out of a lot of stuff that I normally use everyday. Which I guess that is normal when you eat it. But since I never went to the grocery before I took off out of town, I was needing to get some stuff. So Now I am ready to eat when its done and then I plan on going to bed.

With that, I am going to end here before I trail off into never never land. I also need to remember to talk about the confidence thing. However, theres no way I will know if I will remember or not. Have a great night !!!!!

TTFN
Love Candi

9 February Journal

What a lovely Sunday everyone! The sun is shining and I am in my own house this day. Tomorrow, a drive through the rainy I-55 I am heading out of town again. UUUHHGGG!!!!! Jealous you say? So was I until I have to do it. Lets see, One week in January, so far one week in February to Maryland. Then coming up two weeks in Louisiana. I do not know what is after that yet. Things are changing all the time. I really dont mind in some ways. In other ways, I hate it. What I hate is the flying part. Its not so much the flight itself. Unless, that is, I get a seat that is to small for my Amazonian Frame. Its not even the TSA anymore, unless they dig through my checked bag, as I have learned. What I hate about flying is the fact that I feel rushed to get to the Airport, check in, go through screening, and get to the gate on time. So I end up leaving way earlier than needed, getting there early, which is good and bad. Loss of sleep, but I made the plane. Waiting on TSA to open at 4, hoping there is no issues with my carry on bags, but, I made the plane. I am so tall that I really cannot sleep on the plane. Then I get to the next airport, hoping they didn’t change the next gate, as I learned the hard way this last trip. I almost missed my plane. I went all the way to Terminal “B” to find the gate was for a totally different city than was on my ticket. OMG, frantically digging out my phone, opened up the app for the air line finding it was for the same one I just got off of. Oh Fuckking GEEZE!!!! Rushing back the way I came I got there as they just started to board. Whew!!! SO I am learning I am really needing to keep up with life in a digital way. The paper thing isn’t gonna work. Things change in our world so fast these days that you need that INSTANT information. The paper way just isn’t the best way these days. Though, I can say the paper way is more concrete and honest in my opinion. I think I am just to old for this fast paced life. However, I am woman, I will learn and win!!!

So somehow I have got some kinda something going on. I have put myself on a total liquid diet for the next few days. I think I have an infection that needs to be flushed out. I won’t go into the details but I dig out the leftover antibiotic and will take it until it’s gone and drink plenty of the water and eating soup and bland stuff. I Was changed antibiotics on my last UTI that was a passing stone. So I had this stuff left over. I also think I gotten dehydrated on the last two trips to Maryland. The shop had the computer set up right under the heater vent. The plane serves only two little cups of water or juice during a trip, one per plane ride. It leaves one a bit Dry when you are not drinking enough. I did combat it to a point this last trip. Though it was already on its way because of the first trip. I bought this sealable metal water “bottle” it wont leak if tipped when the lid is closed. Its an under armour brand, and seems to be a good container. The cup will last forever. IT’s the top that has me concerned being plastic with moving parts. So as I am learning the cans and cannots of travel in air flight, as well as what my body needs even when I am traveling by car, I am making amends to myself, learning and buying what is needed to prevent any health issues from not having enough liquids in my system. Where I can go without food, my meds require me to have plenty of fluids.

So I been reading a ton of Cosmo. Don’t ask me why, but it’s not the celebrity parts, but the relationship parts and well, of course the sex parts too. I feel I need to work and ready on the things I have missed in the relationship department. I can’t seem to get past a first date or a sexual romp of meaningless hotel sex. More often than not, I never leave the couch. Maybe it’s just because it’s awkward for me and them to get out and be all datey! Is that even a word? Anyways, I am Missing something here, or I would have a relationship that is more than work related. Though there a couple co-workers I would love a relationship with. EVen more so, a few I wanna do the nasty with. I once had a relationship with a coworker. For the benefit of the relationship and work, I left the place I was working for another job. The relationship flourished for years. We are still besties on a totally different level than our relationship could have ever been. A very supportive person and no matter what, stands with me on a lot of things and we do talk. If only we could have had that kinda thing going on while we were together, we may still be a thing.Anyways, As I search for that kinda relationship, I find something is missing. Maybe I am to chatty, not chatty enough, not saying the things that mean something, over stating those things, hell I don’t know. SO I am reading and hoping to get someplace and a relationship. Now please don’t misunderstand that this is reading I am desperate, I am not. I am perfectly happy with being single. I Have no one to be responsible to, nor do I Need to justify every little leaving of the house even to go hide at the river bottoms to reflect. What I do wished I had though, is that person who could help me when I am sick, support me when I am in the blues, even though I have learned how to take care of myself with no help. I want that person to lean on and experience all the aspects of life with. Even though I have experienced some of that, I was never in a good place personally, even though I never spoke about it until now. Those things have all changed, and I look forward more than ever. I keep a good outlook most of the time. Sometimes it doesn’t work the way I want it to espectially when the work phone rings on a sunday. BUt I think I am going to have to go to the Sex shop for a new vibe to carry in my car. I seem to have to lost the one I have someplace. There is one I really want and have not gotten it yet. I only found it at one place and I realllly loved it.

Well Folks, I do need to get my packing done. I have to get ready for tomorrows trip to Louisiana. Hope you all have a great day!!!

TTFN
Love Candice

24 Jan-4 Feb Journal

Happy Friday everyone! And hello from 25,000 feet in the air. I’m not overly happy about it but, I guess I can live with it for company reasons. Maybe even an emergency due to a death. Otherwise, I’ll happily stay on the ground.

Now it’s like February second. I started this post when I was flying home the last time out. Today I’m heading back to Maryland to get more folks trained on other aspects of the job. 2 in the morning is not my favorite thing to do. Yes, I get up early, but not that damn early. Who knows if I’ll sleep at all on this flight. But I have a book to read and well, this silly thing to write on. I’ve not written from the WordPress app in a long time. Mostly because if I’m writing something this long, I prefer to type and not use a phone. But this is what I got right now. I’ll just have to do it.

When I found out I had to go back to Maryland, I made some decisions on what to buy. First, a sealed water cup, metal and reusable. I learned that one little cup of water in a 8 hour day is not enough. I’m barely over the last flight and my dehydration from not drinking any water while I was on the plane. Two flights one way, and two little plastic cups of water in the time from getting too the airport and out of the airport where there’s something to drink that’s able to be carried is horrible. So I got this cup, it’s empty coming through TSA, stop off at a water fountain and fill it up before or between flights. It’s got a sealable flip top lid with a safety catch on it so it doesn’t inadvertently open during walking.

The next thing I bought was some tennis shoes that don’t tie. Bigger than I usually wear so I can get in and out of them in a rush. Last go around I was running to the plane with my shoes under my arms. I had gotten in the wrong TSA line and was pushed back due to the “expedited” folks and nearly missed the plane. On the way home, I wore some heeled shoes that are comfy and all for a normal day. But fast walking through an airport was not what they were meant for. So I did get those shoes.

Not I realize I didn’t put my earrings in my ears. I feel naked and will have to see what I can find when I get where I’m going. I think I have some in my checked bag. So I get off the plane in my destination, pick up my checked bag and well, TSA rummaged through it. I knew it because of where my zipper ends were. They were not where I left them. That sucks. Getting to the hotel OMG they trashed it for something. Oh well so I’ll have to deal with it.

So now it’s like Tuesday, I’m exhausted, my immediate supervisor I’m learning is not able to do his job unless I’m there next to him to answer the things he should know. It’s about 630 here and well, he’s called me twice while I was in the shower. He’s complaining he’s tired, I can totally relate as he is dragging me into it. Even my vacation was totally a drag until I just simply turned the phone off and did my thing. That is something I’m gonna have to do when I’m doing work in other places. Which is what I’ve done this time. It’s after hours and I’m not on a salary.

Ok folks, sorry no real good pics. Just one from my dinner tonight on the South River. I hope you all have a great night. I’m about to hit the bed.

Ttfn. Love Candi

26 January Journal

Good Morning Everyone, it’s Sunday. Yeah yeah don’t remind you. This sure isn’t gonna be a fun day!!! I have to get some work done for work. I am about three days behind, I don’t feel well and I am exhausted. I was out of town for work all week. I did manage to stay caught up until Thursday. Then I actually got the training I started on partially done. I was supposed to be teaching some folks how to do some things. Which is rather difficult when the internet is not working and all our systems are internet based. Then lets add the idiocy of memphis, they cant do anything and my phone constantly rang for things that should be handled on their own. Friday was a loss as I was traveling home. Yesterday as today, I was to tired to get much done. But I have got to do it today. Though I could really use more sleep.
rushing to the plane
So Monday past, I was up and out the door at 4 am, headed to the airport. Getting there everything was good. Made it through TSA without a hitch except one. That being I picked the wrong line on the way in and got into the line that lets the “expedited” folks cut in front of you. THat I learned was a total mistake. I almost missed the plane. Running to the gate, Barely having my COmputer in my bag, and my shoes under my arms they opened to door and let me and another person on the plane. OMG!!! That was a total mess. The rest of the way was a non-issue. Had barely any sleep while I was away. Thursday night was even worse. I had gotten up at 1230 eastern US time, got ready, finished packing, got out of the hotel at 2ish drove the half hour to rental car place at the airport to turn in the car. There was no person there to receive the car. 20 minutes later on the phone, they got someone there to assist. Then come to find out, which I didn’t know, I was to just leave the car with the keys in it. THen go to where I paid for the check out of the car, to turn in the stuff and get my receipt. Then waited on the shuttle, got off at the terminal, checked my bag, only to find out the TSA people thingy don’t open until 4am. You have got to be kidding, don’t they have planes moving 24/7? How do you get to your plane if you cant get into the gate? A lot for me to learn. Any ways after this issues of being told to go to the next entrance three times, I made it through the TSA line with no issues. Then getting home about noon central, I was totally done. I couldn’t take another step, make an intelligible conversation or anything. So after a small meal, shower and some chill time I passed out for nearly 12 hours.

Now Saturday, I was doing good. Got my shopping done early, waited on my prescriptions and almost fell asleep. Got home, put away groceries, went to eat with my bestie. Then came home doing nothing. What a mess this has been. I am still tired. Even after two nights of sleep.

I have had a chance to think about my travels this past week. The people where I went in Maryland were plenty nice. Totally different than the people in Memphis. Which isn’t that hard to do. All the horror stories I had heard about trans women getting through the TSA were totally unfounded. I was never even looked at funny. Well, except the one little chica in the Miami airport on my way back. Maybe she was jealous, who knows. Aside from that, no one really gives a flying rat’s patootie about me. Well it helps, that no one can tell I am trans except my height. What I really need to do is top worrying about the stuff I do. All of them to date except one has been totally unfounded and false. I think about the people that tell me these horror stories of their escapades, most are looking for a reason to be treated bad. Be it Chick-fil-a, Hobby Lobby, a nail salon, TSA, hotels and whatever else, they always seem to have an issue. They want to be treated totally different because they are different. Guess what, that is what they get, but not in the manner in which they expected. In the nearly 4 years since I started HRT, I learned one major thing that transcends all lines, no matter who or what you are? That is you get what you give!! If you are being a bitch, or an asshole, well, that is what you are usually gonna get in return. I really have experimented with that since I transitioned and I have to say in my experiments, its totally true. Now you could get a booty head here and there no matter what you do you are not gonna make it happen. Just be nice to them or at least respectful and simply walk away. If needed, accept a touch of blame for their sake, to them. Then let it go, don’t hold it and let it get you down. There just isn’t much you can do to change it and it really is not worth your own sanity because of another’s. I do attempt to do this one thing, not to judge another until I have judged myself on what I am disliking about them. No one is perfect, not even ourselves. Many times, what we see that we hate in another, is what we have in ourselves that we are repressing because we dislike it. So remember that!!!
Chili Pot
So Yes it is Sunday, cloudy and cold. I have a pot chili on the stove already. The need for chili on this cough I have going on is much needed. Lots of spice and heat to burn this mess out. So I hope anyways. I just hope I am not getting the flu! This weather has been stupid and the people I have at work have all been sick. Its been going around and I hope I have not got the crap in me. I have no one to take care of me. I hope I have plenty of chicken noodle soup in the pantry. Because I have this feeling it gonna happen. Anyways, my chili started yesterday with the soaking of the beans. This reduces the amount of later flatuous vapors that we all laugh and gag about. Then after all day and all night of soaking, draining and rinsing three times, I added them back to the pot, added water, beef bouillon, and my spices as chili powder, cayenne, paprika, cumin, Cajun seasoning, Black pepper, salt and who knows what else I stuffed into the thing. Then I cut up half an onion for the pot. Then three really long Serrano Peppers, the other half of the of the onion, and a part of a tomato. The later was added to the browned hamburger, along with two cloves of garlic and more of the same spices that was also in the pot. Then a small can of tomato paste and salt to taste. Simmering the beef for about 20 minutes I then added that to the beans in the pot. I usually put this in the crock pot. But today I decided to put it in the pot and do it on the stove. Putting it on low, that being the electric stove setting, I am gonna let it stew a while. The beans I think are done now, I am planning on adding some dehydrated tomato to the mix later so it can thicken up. I really don’t care for a watery chili and I had a thought from an old recipe or something I read a while back. Add your dehydrated veggies to thicken up the mixture. Many people do not have dehydrated veggies. Since I do because I do that myself I figure I will see what happens. So far it is tasting good. I will have to try and report on that after I have had some later today. The plan is to put some of this on a baked potato.
Dreading tomorrowwork
OK folks, So I am off to get my work started and hopefully done. I am staying in PJ’s all day. I have no where to be, and may end up sleeping on the couch for a bit this afternoon. Some Vicks Vaporub may be in store for my day also. Hope you all have a great day!

TTFN
Love Candi

19 January Journal

Happy Cold and Windy Sunday everyone!! Been up a while today and started repacking my stuff. I am having issues deciding what to take, and most of all, do I pack my bed pillow or not. It’s kinda heavy and at last check I was around 45 pounds on my check bag. Making sure I have my vape juice, if I can even get on the plane with the vape device at all, my water cup, toiletries including toilet paper, clothes and make up going in my carry-on as well as some spare stuff in my check bag, I hope I get all I need to make it through the time I am away.

flying hate

I have reduced my shoes to three pair, two packed and one pair on my feet. Tennis shoes is what I am wearing on the plane. I am not really liking the idea but, since I dont know what I will get into as far as trying to get form one terminal to another, I wanted to be sure I had some “running” shoes on. I have to change planes in CHarlotte on the way out and Miami on the way back. Since my only real experience in airports is DFW and Atlanta for large airports and Memphis Tn, Abilene TX for small ones I am limited and based on the experience of Atlanta and having to go to the other side of the airport to change planes, I don’t want to be in that mess again. I am not even sure when I need to get to the airport to be honest. As far as Memphis Goes, if I am there by 415-430 I should have no issues. Coming back is a different story all together. I will have to turn in the rental car, get into the airport, get a boarding pass and make my way to the terminal. Memphis is small compared to some of the places I have been and well, its ok. Just dawned on me, I should take a plastic baggy for my wet washcloth and loofah sponge on Friday morning.
planewomanscared
In case you have not noticed, I am scared shitless. I hate airplanes in the first place. Then lets add all the silly rules, which some I totally understand. A couple of bigger issues in my opinion; having been a mechanic on auto/trucks, you wonder about the breakdowns. Yeah, i need to get over it. BUt i Have seen several of our mechanics who don’t have the desire to do things right at all, so I wonder if that is carrying over to the aircraft world. You gotta think, if something happens, the nearest shoulder or ditch to get into is several miles DOWN. THen the other issue, I am a 6’4″ woman, those planes are not the best things on the planet for someone As tall as me. Every plane I have been on I have had to bend over not only for the door, but for the cabin as well. The seat spacing is another big issue. Getting cramped up into a place that is not big enough for a squirrel much less an amazonian framed woman. I am not “Fat”, Just tall as a well rope is long.

So after a bunch of rearranging and thinking and rearranging, measuring and what not. I think I have everything figured out. I will have to ask for extra pillow if needed. My bed pillow is having to stay here. My purse is going to have to go into my checked bag. Though obviously empty aside from a few things I do not need with me or care of I don’t get it in the airport when I leave there. I do care about my purse that I just bought and should go about putting a lesser expensive purse in my checked bag just in that event of unfortunate issue.
Nails broght
So our weather is all messed up. 65 yesterday, 40-41 today not including the north wind that has a hell of a bite in it. I am planning on getting my Nails done again today. Since I have chipped my thumb nail, and am also not digging the color I got last time I was in there, I Need to get back to me and not the darkness on my nails. Though the color I picked is a charcoal that seems to take on a chameleon effect having hints of color of the clothing I am wearing. But I am not a dark person these days and though I will go with a red that is deep and dark, or a green or purple of the same, I prefer the lighter version of life.  Though I am not a neon Chick Either. So as I watch my CBS Sunday Morning, I am going over and over on my packing, life, what I have to do when I get where I am going and the ever needed nails done. SO I need to get up and get on some chores so I can hit the bed early doing what I need to get done before I head out in the morning.
Hope you all have a great day!!! Stay warm if you are in one of the places that is COLD.

TTFN
Love Candi

18 January Journal

Happy Saturday Evening Folks. It has been a weather rollercoaster week. Also a Crazy work week. The Internet at work hasn’t wanted to work and I ended up working from home a couple days. One day Was chosen because I needed some peace and quiet to get the work I needed to do done. Which I actually got totally caught up for the most part to be honest. Friday I found out I have to go train someone in another city. I am totally not looking forward to that at all. Biggest reason, I have to fly. UUUHHHG. Being a city 13 driving hours away is just not gonna happen. So I don’t fly regularly, maybe once every ten or so years so my knowledge of packing is horrible. I been on line since three this morning reading everything I could on everything you can carry on and pack in your checked baggage. Hopefully its all true. I hope I don’t have boarding issues. I hope I have leg room based on the seats chosen. And I hope most of all, my carry on can indeed be carried on. What sucks about this all is, it was friday when I was told I needed to go. It is a good thing the company is paying for my travels. I didnt even buy groceries today. I am not gonna be hear to eat them. So why waste the money. I can put everything I need on the company expense while I am away. That is aside from any toiletries I may need while I am away.

I ended up awake at 3 am this morning. So I am getting pretty tired to be honest. This weather up and down crap is messing with my sinuses. I have been trying to keep this all at bay. But, I have a feeling I will end up sick before long. I just hope not while I am away. I will have to put my non-prescription meds in my check bag. Maybe even my normal water cup too. I just cannot go without that thing at all. I have got to have a constant supply of water in my possession.

My Bestie got her bag today. The one that I made especially for her. SHe was in love with the thing. Now to see if she will actually use it. I have not actually been working on any bags this week. I just have not had the time when I get home. By the time I get home, its start dinner, shower as soon as its in the skillet depending on what it is that I am cooking, CLean up from dinner, chill out about 30 minutes to an hour so I can get some sleep then start all over gain the next morning when I get up at 4.

Not much else on my mind at the moment. Probably because I am extra Tired this evening. I dont wanna get to bed to soon so I will do some more reading on some things. Hope you all have a great evening!!!

TTFN
Love Candi

12 January Journal

Happy Sunday Everyone! This past week has been a horrible one. Three weeks worth of catching up. Then to find out that the person that was supposed to help with some of my tasks while I was out did not. So I was being told the particular needed parts were not delivered because they were never ordered. I have been stewing on that pretty hard lately too. Its more about work ethics of the generation behind my kids, even some of the ones in their generation too.
why-didnt-you-wake-me-e1403804514650
As I was growing up, there was instilled and told, yelled about and punished for not doing the work you were to be doing. That included forfeiture of your allowance, being grounded, loss of jobs, being wrote up and at least being told you screwed up. If you couldn’t or wouldn’t do the job you were given to do, then you were gone with no questions asked. I do totally understand that there are other circumstances as to why something can’t happen or won’t happen. I am guilty of the same thing at times. But to blatantly not answer emails,  or the several phone calls, is totally asinine. I have been watching people at work that are supposed to be doing a certain amount of work. THey seem to be doing nothing and only looking at their phones. Its obvious that the work isn’t getting done because the amount of units being repaired and put back out is really dwindling. I get it, there could have been an emergency at home, with a spouse or kid. But Come on folks, do your bloody damn job as best as you can, in a timely manner. If there is an issue, let your supervisor know immediately so that you can deal with it without the backlash because of the appearance of doing nothing. I for one am tired of picking up everyone else’s poor work habits. We all deserve time off, sometimes I don’t think I am allowed to have that because I am doing the work of about 4-6 people. What really gets my goat going, is when these same people ask for more money in their paycheck for doing nothing or as little as possible. What makes that even worse, these are the same folks with the fancy cars and pickups mostly brand new. What a crazy world we have. THe hard working folks have nothing, then the lazy ones have everything.
single forever
Now that I have my ranting done, and the laundry started, dinner in the crock pot, makeup brushes cleaned, breakfast eaten, and whatever other chores I have going on, I think I can now stay focused on writing. Not that there is much else to write about. YEsterday we some serious storms blow through again. Much like it was early spring, which is the crazy weather we been having. No Winter so far. just some cold night temps and not so cold days. Everything is messed up. So got my oil change in the car, groceries and then a nap. About 1PM I got started on another bag for a friend. I was amazed it didn’t take me two days to finish it. I finished it by 5 and started another one by the time Svengoolie came on. THe second one os about half finished. I plan on finishing it today if I ever get started on it again. Sunday is cleaning day and I have to work on getting the week cleaned up from the house. My next Idea is to cut up some of my leather fabric scraps for making into a bag. I am still working out details in my head. One of the things I have learned, with the very exceptional rare times, I tend to make stuff on a spur of the moment. Those are the best designs I ever com up with, the improv ideas of throwing crap together. Much like my cooking. IF I have to follow a pattern or recipe I know I don’t have what it is calling for. So I improvise adapt and overcome, making some of the best stuff anyone has ever seen or tasted. How I remember some of it I will never know.

My dating is not going to happen this year. Back around New Years, I made the decision to not get on the dating sites anymore. I have grown massively tired of the sexual talk, scammers, losers, scaredy cats, DOPERS, STONERS, Druggies, freeloaders, and whatever low life piece of gutter trash man has been coming my way. As far as sex goes, please don’t misunderstand, I love sex. I love the passion, loss of self control, the feelings and stuff. But what I have to have is a connection. I cannot and will not just idly chat with a man over sex on the first sentence. Lets chat about anything else, get to know each other, find a connection, then we can get to sex, gradually. These poor little Jack Wagons, with their little brains and as I have learned, little other parts, are just not worth my trouble. SO with that I have not been on any sites. The other day a fellow I spoke to several months ago texted me out of the blue. He had one word he could say, That was “hello” I replied “Howdy do, who is this”, his reply two hours later when I was in bed, was “hello” again. Well, since I had deleted his number from my phone for lack of interest from him or myself. He finally replied his name and asked if I was dating. I said no and he asked why not. I replied I just am not thinking about it much, then went on about my day. He kept texting asking if I was at work, I replied yes. His words turned to sex, not in a sly way, or even gradual. He started really talking about his own sex life. When I did not answer anymore he made his fatal mistake, calling me. Not only did he call me, he called while I was at work. I silenced the phone, then when it stopped ringing I blocked his sorry ass. I can think of a lot of dirty things I could have done with this dude and really hurt him based on what he wanted per our conversations. BUt I didn’t I just couldn’t stand the idea of his feeble mind. I have a hitachi wand for my personal pleasure when I need it. OTherwise, I am not going after anyone at this point in my life. I just don’t wanna deal with the issues of such small minded men such as the one I have described. One fellow I had been talking for a while had, back in the early fall wanted to meet. He seemed to wanna meet out in public. He never could commit to such an act. Then he said I got some Marijuana if you wanna come over and get it on. I gave him the what for and said I am not interested and have not heard from him in a while. I just cannot do that either. Geeze peoples.

Anyways folks, I got to move on to finishing the bag I have started. Clean up some material that I have out. Then do nothing just because I can. Hope you all have great day

TTFN
Love Candi

5 January Journal

Good Sunday morning folks. The year of 2020 is on its way! 5 Days into a new year and new decade. Funny how it seems some things never seem to change. Our current climate is way warmer than it should be. There has been talk of the end of times coming sooner than the words of the past. Sadly, we seem to have been hearing the same thing over and over again for centuries. We can’t be living in fear though. We do seem to do that too.

I may not have it set up right, but, I did make a page for some project pictures. I put my last bags I made on it. I did make one yesterday for someone. Which I put as the featured Image, Something to hold a laptop. I am trying to decide how much these things are worth billing for. I am not sure what my labor cost should be. I know some of these handbags are from major makers can be rather expensive. Then when you look at them, the stitching is not very good or the materials are inferior. I have seen some with some really cheesy thread in them. The ones I made to date are seemingly a bit to “fancy” for grocery and shopping use in the manner of which I had planned on them being used. My last bag from yesterday only took a day to make rather than the two or three the previous ones took. So I am refining some of the processes to make these things. I know I can’t be spending tons of labor time to work on one VS making two or more in the same amount of time. So as I get this witten, I am planning on a very simple type of bag. Still more than just a fabric sewn in half with some crazy stupid handles sewn on it.

Its about 11 AM and I have not done much honestly. Still have to put away laundry though I am not wanting to today for some reason. I did get dinner started and I am doing something different. Crockpot Spaghetti, I never have done that yet. Since I was wanting more sewing and laundry time without standing at the stove. So I started with everything I put in my spaghetti, half an Onion, Part of an orange bell pepper, A clove of garlic finely diced, Tomato paste, diced tomatoes, and a package of spaghetti mix. Then since all I had was a frozen pound of hamburger I tossed that in the crock pot. I only did that because it was the fatless 93/7 hamburger. If had it been a higher fat count of hamburger I would not have done that. IT would have been to greasy and nasty if I did that. I am not sure if I can toss the noodles in later or not so they can cook in the thing or not. I do tend to mix it all up when I make spaghetti and then top it with cheese and parsley flakes then bake it. But that is when I make it in the skillet. I am planning on making more stuff in the crock pot this year so I have more time to spend on the projects that I hope will eventually pay its own way and then some.

I have cleaned up and straightened up had breakfast and coffee already but that is it. I didn’t even write until now. I am wondering about the trash truck showing up. Everyone has tons of garbage in the street. They tend to show up a day late when there is a holiday in the week. They have not shown up yet and it is two days late. My trash is getting kinda full too. Luckily I am not a large trash generator. I can be, especially if I let things pile up like i did. Even then I didn’t have that much compared to some folks. As I am finishing this post, such as the trashman cometh. LMAO

Well Folks, I Need to get up and get a few more things of the normal chores done. Such as the laundry. I hope you all have a great day.

TTFN
Love Candi

1 January Journal

Happy New Years to EVERYONE!! I hope you all have had a wonderful night. As usual I went to bed before the turn of 10 PM. I Slept poorly for whatever reason. Trying to get myself used to getting up by the alarm again. I woke up about 530 which is late in comparison to what I normally do during the week. Nothing is planned for the day, since all but the bathroom is cleaned up. I have little mail to get through and see what I was sent. Junk Mail already trashed. Rice and Black Eyed Peas is on the menu for the day. I am going to make my Japanese Sticky rice and see what I can do with that. Though my brain isn’t working so well at the moment.

CHampain newyearcowgirl

I have to say that Happy Years is for everyone, that is except the Jack Wagons, losers, scammers and druggies. As that is what I have had for interests in me for dating. I am not sure where all these people all come from. I didn’t know there were that many of them out in the world. So I am thinking I am going to just leave the dating for the youngsters. I have other things to worry about rather than the idea of a relationship. Besides, dating this day and age is crap. TO many way to cheat on your partner, the laziness and best of all, having to change my life for another person, is not high on my list of desires. With that, sayonara dating! (Who am I Kidding LOL) I am coming up on three years since my last ex left me. I have to say, as much as I thought I would miss the idea of a relationship, I am not missing it as much as I thought I would. I am wondering if I really need to ditch the dating thing at all. But as I think about it I just think that all I need is sex and man power for lifting things. Otherwise I am ok with being alone. These men have lost their ever living minds it seems. No one is serious about a relationship or serious dating at all. Spending time with someone for more than sex seems to be a lost thing with people these days. I personally think my biggest issue is the fact that I am afraid to fail, again. Part of me is saying “hell to the no”, a small part says “what, are you crazy?” I think I am more open to the idea of a half ass relationship than I used to be. BUt I still have my fears of failing, being hurt either emotionally or even physically for that matter. Then we have to add the idea that I am a transwoman and in appearance, intimidating as hell due to my height. So the ever present tall girl issue. MOst men do not want to be with a tall woman. Especially one that is taller than he is. They tend to feel inferior and belittled. Much of that is the stigma that surrounds the idea that the man has to be “bigger” than the woman. If you are dating a woman taller than you, well, ou must be a “pussy”. BUt are they really? I mean it would take a hell of a big man on the inside to date a woman as tall as me, especially a transwoman.
single forever

Work is another place that has made some great improvements this past year. Hopefully my three weeks off has not jeopardized my position. They have given me a ton of power in many ways. The other part is I got my money back on paycheck. I have gotten a little to important it seems. That has made it even harder to take time off as that goes. I have to say this, I have earned respect and trust of the company in a great many ways. I have to say that is a great accomplishment. Unlike what I was expecting since my transition. I know a lot of folks that are also “Trans” having issues with work. I have learned a lot of the problem is that the attitude they hold is where they are having issues. Some are to bold and demanding of respect because they are of the LGBT Community.  This is where I am not the same. I don’t expect to be given anything because I am trans. I work my tush off and have nights of sleeplessness due to worrying about how to get a job done in the best way possible in the least amount of time. Though my workload has increased dramatically I have managed to maintain the whole of the job. I don’t know how I do it to be honest with ya. Many others wonder how I am doing it also. Which is why I needed the time off for some much needed decompression.
backtowork

This time last year, I was in a tisy mentally. My mother was in the hospital and well, I attempted to go see her. I went with my daughter and we were quickly ran out of the hospital by my dad. I had to go back to my therapist and talk it out. I did eventually get over it, sort of. How do you really get over the idea of being disowned? I don’t think you ever really do. You just learn to let it go and, with a lot of meditation learn to let it go and most importantly, Not Hold a Grudge. If you do hold a grudge, then you are only robbing yourself of your own happiness and not taking anything of the other party who really just flat dont give a rats ass. That has to be remembered when dealing with anyone that you are close to and they leave you or shun you for being just plain stupid.
myownbook

Over the last year I have learned a few more things about myself. I have had to get new hobbies with the transition. After three years, no one sees me as who I was. They only see who I am. So I picked up sewing again. Something I did share with a couple of my parental people in my life as a young person. One was my Grandma, the other my mom, and lastly an Aunt. I did enjoy it but the ideas given by the general population says one thing regardless of how you are thinking. So I did as was the general reason for living and to make a fair living in my life. I made a quilt and a pillow a T-Shirt quilt and am working on a couple reusable grocery bags. Yeah the pillow was rather stupid but is something I wanted to do with some left over t-shirt parts that I didn’t want to trash. I am planning on putting pics on the Projects Page. So far the reviews from a couple of friends has been phenomenal. I have to work on the inside more for a way to repair and hide the seams better. Short of that, its been fun little projects that can be sold, I hope.Reinventingmyself

I have to say, my life is not that bad. There is nothing that is really bad or wrong. I mean the bills are paid, I have a decent job that is not all it’s cracked up to be, yet, it’s not so bad. I have a few decent friends that love me dearly. I don’t have to  worry about others trashing my house or leaving up the toilet seat. I don’t have to be buying food more than just me. My money is mine, my body is mine and I don’t have to share. I am alive and healthy. I have a few issues to work out but who, doesn’t? Could I be more out going on the dating scene? Maybe. Could I be more assertive in other areas of my world? Maybe so if I wanted to be huge bitch. I am a tough and strong woman. I am also sensitive, caring and smart. Not to mention witty and loving, a smart ass and fun loving too. Maybe I am not suffering the way some folks wanted me to. It is funny how we can go and figure out ourselves when we really need to do so. Life and people are weird that way. Don’t ya think?
wonderful life

As I have sat and spent a about two weeks to myself, I have really learned that I need some changes, that there is nothing wrong with me 100%. I am doing very well, contrary to popular belief or even wants. I am surviving, and being me and for once in my life, happier than I have ever been. What sucks is that the people I cared about the most don’t want to share in the fact that I happy, go lucky, bright outlook person I am. What I am not, is the depressed angry person I once was. There is such a big change in who and what I am, how I see life and the world, compared to where I was just a few years ago. Yes I will always miss the family I grew up with and love. But, I cannot be put out by it. I have learned I am so capable of a lot of things. I am capable of anything and the time is coming, though I don’t know when, that I am going to be self employed again. I am capable and am probably more mentally ready than I think I am. As this year comes more and more into fruition, I am sure I will progress forward and be more and more happier and enjoyable to be around. I will be moving myself toward my goals of having a house and other ideas of moving away from this silly city. So with the new year you too should move forward and if needed, make those positive changes. If we get stagnant then we aren’t living our lives, we are living someone else’s.

changes

I hope you all have a great day and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Sexypistol new year

TTFN
Love Candi

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