23 September Journal

Happy to good Sunday Everyone! Well , Can you believe I made it to 630 before I woke up? Yeah me neither. It was raining when I woke up and there is more to come. It isnt supposed to be in the 90’s anytime soon per the weather man in the TV screen.

I had made up some Chicken Fried Steak last night. As usual, it was wonderful. No knife, no teeth required to eat it. I been asked what I been doing to it. Sadly I do not know what I am doing to it to make it so tender. I let the Cube Steak thaw out, then when I am ready to cook it, I set it in the egg and milk wash then to the flour mixture, then to the hot skillet of oil. As the first one is cooking, the second one makes it to the egg wash then the four. After which the third one is set into the egg wash to wait for a space in the flour. Now the flour is about 1 1/2 cups of flour, with some spices such as Black pepper, Creole seasoning, galic poweder, mexican fajita powder or whatever I am feeling like that day. It is never the same but always good. My grease is usually left over breakfast meat grease. As needed canola is added. When the blood starts to be seen on the top I flip it over. I feel the key is to not over cook it. Also you need to be picky about the meat you have to use also.

I had a friend come over yesterday and we watched movies and had dinner. One of the first non-spicy foods I ever cooked when she was over. She seemed to enjoy it enough that she got more after the first plate and well, ate to much.

So I had to take of some things today, I still need to hang up and put away laundry. So I need to get moving on that. Have a great day!

TTFN
Love Candice.

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22 September Journal

Happy Saturday Folks!!! It is a wonderful 70 if that outside, FINALLY. Hopefully being the first day of fall, our weather will stay cooler than the past couple weeks. It is wet and cloudy. However, It affects ones mood being cloudy but I am ok with it since it is cooler. Yet here in the land of cotton, the trees look the same and the cotton is like snow across the field.

It is almost two years now, within a few days, since I spoke to my parents on the phone. Well, my dad anyways. It was July two years ago since I actually spoke to my mom. I had to learn to accept that they cannot accept me. If you have read much of my posts from years and months gone by, you know what I am saying here and no need to spill it out again. I am ok with it all now. I wasnt for a while for sure. But I do miss them something terrible and feel it needs to be rectified. Someday Maybe, but I am not holding my breath on it anymore. I just do my thing and live life to the best of my ability.

So I need to learn to do things with my hair now that I am not on the shop floor and sweating out any hair gel or spray I put into my hair. There was no sense in doing my hair since it has been long enough to do anything with. I have always just pulled it into a ponytail. Being in a position where it got into the way of seeing and could get grease all in it. Now I am not in that kind of position so I can actually do something with it. Looks like youtube here I come for the How to hair do, LOL!

I have not remembered why I started this paragraph. I am such a blond that is easily distracted these days that I just do not remember. LOL!! What the hell. I been doing laundry. I also been having to Iron certain clothes. So I went to wash the ironing board cover. When I took it off it was found to be torn and the pad, from days gone by, of simple foam, was no good. So into the garbage a 30 year old Ironing board cover went. I loved the look of the old one with its southwestern Design on it. So I went to the dreaded wally world, looked at the new ones and decided on a green one. I thought it was rather cute and a nice change from what they are normally and it is different to something I like, GREEN!!! It does have a nice antiquey design on it too. I used to never iron much of anything except for my time in the army when certain times required a pressed uniformed. Not to mention the occasional funeral. Seems now I am more into looking good unlike I used to be. I would toss on some work pants and t-shirt, out the door I went. Now I am not nearly as lazy as I was then. I care about myself and the way I look to others. So another wardrobe change has been slowly happening. It just cannot happen fast enough. However, I do need to hold to what little I have for yard work and car repairs as needed.

Well peoples, minions, folks and generals, have a great day!!!! I am about to iron more clothes and work on some of my infamous Chicken Fried Steak.

TTFN
Love Candice

19 September Journal

Happy Humping day folks, its Wednesday. I been having a it of a day of dealing with  liars at work. Tossing me under the bus and leaving a mess that I need to clean up. All because of lies.

Short of that I got most of it caught up and left early today for several reasons. Still I ended up working from home but its been a nice day of silence for the most part.

You know what I am just a rambling away for no apparent reason. Now that I dealt with another work issue, I dont even recall what I was going to write here. Oh yeah, Ya know, I have heard Candice so much, that I have nearly forgotten about the nick name that was the reason behind finding that real name for my name change. Way back I when all this transition started, a name was asked of me. I had no idea i just knew it needed to be different than what I had all my life. A friend then chimed in that evening stating “candy ass”. Where the hell she got that I have no idea. Maybe I need to ask if she remembers why she started that. So I anyways I was being called Candy and I changed the spelling to a “K”. I kinda hated the idea of CANDY as I am not a stripper or a chocolate bar you know. I finally did some serious thinking on the issue when it got closer and closer to needing to legally change my name. As I looked around and also in past life and what not, I decided to stick with something that would have the same initials for various reasons I dont know, other than a piece of wood I made in high school that has my initials CJL in it. So candy became Candi in my head then to Candice. As my mind wondered what to do with the “J”. I thought of all kinds of things that didnt sound right or roll the way I though it should. A couple days later, Something struck me. I was thinking about my grandma on my dads side. Her middle name started with a “j” and it seemed to roll with her first name, which also had a similar sound to Candice. So I decided to go with Candice June. But still now, I hate to say Candice everyday 100+times. Candi is shorter and yet easier to say. ITs one of those things that when I hear Candi I almost perk up and and go “Oh the slut stripper?” I do perk up because I know only a select few say Candi. They have to be a pretty damn close friend to call me that. One even calls me “Candi girl” for what ever reason. Still another calls me Candi Cane, which for some reason that one gets under my skin. Still I am sort of getting to the point of nto liking to hear Candice all day everyday the amount of times I hear it,. However from a professional stand point, Candi isnt very professional sounding. So I stick to it and honestly I love my name. Now all that said, I am getting used to the idea of certain people calling me Candi in a nonprofessional setting. It took well over three years to get to where I like the idea of that fun sounding name. It doesnt have to mean a stripper or anything. RIGHT? That is just how people see it these days for reasons I am not 100% sure of. I have read several westerns and seen a few old movies from days gone by and Candy was used as a female name to someone with more than the offering of a stripper.

Well Folks, I had no intent to land into a lengthy discussion topic on my name. But it was on my mind and I figured I would state it out. I need to get onto my nightly duties and see about getting something done. Hope you all have a great day!!!

TTFN
Love Candice

17 September Journal

Happy Monday folks, let me tell you what a Monday it has been. I been about to the breaking point all day and I wonder just why people are so fucking cruel and want nice in return for cruel. I guess I could fall into that some how. I do know that I am guilty of the same thing also. However I am not that way anymore and maybe I am getting what I gave. Still it hurts like hell.

See today I was to the point of I am sick of the male chauvinistic BS from some people where I work. They ignore me like I have the plague or something. Then when they are standing around in the way of me getting to what I need, its a sin for me to want to pass. Then one fellow was standing against a wall, holding it up I guess. I walked past and went to do something and came back through. He was giving me the stink eye something fierce. To the point I had to say “take a picture, it will last longer.” He got all mad and said I went by with out saying excuse me. If he was in the way I would have. Yet, he was against the wall holding it up. So why the hell do I need to say excuse me to a wall support who wasnt in the way of where I was going? Not to mention to him I am a spec of dirt on the floor, to be trampled on as any other piece of lowly crap. This was after I had to hear about white supremacy from one dude.

This other dude and his cohort seem to think that being a high school drop out is the bomb! They goes hunting and has an answer to everything even when he has no clue what the hell he is talking about. HE claims his “redneck” idiocy with great pride. He wouldn’t know what a redneck is even if he got kicked in the ass by one. He talks about his loud ass exhaust pipes he wants on his POS 1990 something Jeep Grand Cherokee. Maybe it is to drown out the sound of his dumb ass voice.

hate

The fact still remains, I probably have probably forgotten more about the job they should be doing than they ever will know. Not only that, but I can do my new job with just as much ease and comfort as anyone. What is sad is that some folks tend to judge because of a persons looks, or speech. I know I am guilty of prejudging a person on that account. I have also learned not to let that be a deciding factor in my like or dislike of another human. I do however judge on the attitude and actions of the person. If that is something that is poor, then I will have a poor attitude about them. I give some time to be sure its not just a bad day thing. Benefit of the doubt is something I do let happen. Usually my guts tell me more about a person than anything and well, its usually true. I let them prove it before I open my mouth about such things.

It is times like this that wonder why the hell I had to transition. I am also remembering of the people whom I have intimidated well before transition. Its at that point that I remember it is how people are. If you prove a person wrong or prove that you yourself is much more knowledgeable than another, then it tends to leave a sour taste in ones mouth. Especially when the person whom is intimidated thinks that they are the bomb of life, gift to the world with their idiocy.

My ability to walk away is great, and I did just that. I had something to go do, I was pissed and I didnt have  to stay and be subject to such things. So I left to check on a hose that we needed and get it if possible. I also went to a friends place and to talk about men. I also called the supervisor on the phone and let them know I am not comfortable there. The hatred of me is so thick it is hard to breath and stay focused on my job. I let them know that and they said they would have a discussion with the people of the maintenance department. I hope that helps, but I have this feeling it will make it worse to be honest. In all this I want to cry and I just cant. I think I have lost the ability to cry or feel, other than feel the hate that others have towards me. Still I try to keep my head up and not let others know I am hurt. I also have to move forward no matter what. It isnt in my heart to stop my life or being me anymore. I have done enough of that in my life.

Well folks, I think I am gonna get off here now. I have rambled and ranted and tambled enough for tonight. Hope you all have a great night.

TTFN
Love Candice

16 September Journal

Good Morning folks, its sunday morning. I made it to about 630 before I got up. Which is really odd for me. I usually am up by 5 at the latest. Anyways, I did sleep some last night. I didnt do a whole lot yesterday. I had so much chores to do, I got some of them done. Others I didnt get done and I will be doing that soon here in a little bit.

I made up some turkey enchiladas last night. They were really good. I used the one pound chorizo turkey sausage, cooked that up, added some hormel chili and a can of refried beans. I also sauteed a half an onion with about 1/4 of a yellow bell pepper, and some garlic, with a couple or three table spoons of finely chopped bacon. Toasting the corn tortillas in a skillet with little oil I put a small amount of cheese then the meat filling. Rolled that and put it in my dutch oven and another skillet. I made way to much as usual. So anyways, after it was all put into the cooking vessels, I added green enchilada sauce, topped with cheese and any left over filling. Then into the oven it went for about 25 minutes. The larger 14″ dutch oven could have stood another 5 minutes in the oven. The small one was more like I wanted it. But by then I had already had more than my fill of the first batch to be baked and never tried any of the second. Let me tell you, It was very good and I need to try out some chicken enchiladas. I will be making some more turkey ones also. BUt hopefully not as much as I did this time. I will be getting unseasoned turkey so I can season it my self rather than letting another person do it for me. for those who dont care much for the corn tortillas, due to the texture like me, let me tell you, the sauce added to the pan of enchiladas made the tortillas more palatable in my opinion. they werent soggy like the flour ones will be, but still more of a soft tortilla like a flour one.

EnchiladasTurkey

I have been in a very depressed state the last few days and I am not 100% sure why. I just am. I am still thinking much and hard on why. Maybe it is because I have no one in my life to share things with. Things are anything, the world, how my day was, how their day was, the reason to cook, the reason to wake up, and most importantly, someone to do exciting and fun things with. Those things could be museums, camping, Historical sites, sitting on a river bank, making out under the stars, watching TV and simply cuddling, most importantly, feeling protected from the harms that may be coming. I hardly ever hear from anyone. When I do its usually a question that requires an answer. Past that it is never for anything fun and exciting.

I do have a couple things I am going to be doing today. Since I made so Much food yesterday, I do not really have to cook anything. Just a microwave toss and a little time there in, and well, I have something to eat. That is really the only time I use the microwave. When I am cooking, I never use the microwave for anything. I know I need a smaller microwave. The large one I have is really to much for me. It takes up to much counter space and is really an eye sore in my opinion. The one that is here above the stove doesnt work. I have reported it to the Owners and to date, nearly a year later, nothing has come of it.

Well folks, I need to get moving on the things I need to do. I am never going to get them done sitting here typing my life away. Hope you all have a great day!!!

TTFN
Love Candice

13 September Journal

Happy Thursday everyone!!!! Nothing fancy about what happens in my life for sure. Things for me are nearly always silent. Which I am coming to accept with a great passion.

As I watched an episode of Little House on the Prairie, I saw how an 80 year old woman had to get to see her kids and grand kids. Sadly she had to get the town to send word that she had passed away. Sad thing to do in my book. But an old woman has to do what she needs to be able to see her loved ones. Before she revealed herself, he middle kid stated that is sad how much someone means to you until they are gone. It kinda hit home for me in so many ways. Long before now, I lost my grandparents which I loved to no end. When they passed I was devastated more than most ever knew. Now I am living with the idea of having lost something dear to me also. My living family. Yeah I hear the words now from the past, “You did this to yourself”. Maybe I did, maybe I should have just died so I would not have to be such a disappointment. Honestly, all I ever did my whole life was disappoint myself. I probably disappointed others in my family also. God knows I was so good at that. Now, I never hear from them at all. So should I have passed away when I wanted to in my past? Obviously not………As my Birthday closes in again, I know I will not hear a word from a single soul. It was that way last year and wont be any different this year I don’t feel. Everyone’s life is so busy and there is no time for such a silly thing as a birthday. Its just another day right, there is no special meaning to it so why worry.

I have had to learn to live in solitude. To be honest its not all that bad. No one to report to, no one to cook for, come and go with out a whim, messes are no ones fault but your own. If something never got done there is no one to blame, if the house stinks, its not any fault of anyone but myself. It does get a bit lonely yes. But if I wish to be silent I can, if I wish to talk I can. Doesnt matter who hears or dont, because, no one will hear or not with no around. Which means, if get to answering myself, and become a nut case, no one will know. I can be crazy and never hear the teasing about being a looney tune, oofty la goofty, a screw ball, or a goober.

All that leaves a great life in so many ways. Yet it leaves you to cry alone, figure out an answer alone, make things happen with no help. No shoulder to lean on with no warmth in the winter and no one to provide a love in a house of empty clutter. So that is where I am. I dont mind that emptiness any more. I was thinking that I am not sure I can open up my heart and home to a long term relationship again. The pain is to hard on me and I am not sure I wish to fail again. I mean I have had three long term relationships and they all ended in a failure. Much like I feel about myself most days. Yeah I have a lot of self pity. I usually do not let it show while I am out and dont talk about it either. There is a fellow that is trying to get into my life. Sadly every time I get someone who wants to get close in a romantic way I start to shut down, leaving the walls up and strong. Someday someone will be able to knock the walls down and get inside. I really need to open up more. I know I am more open now than I have ever been in my life. But, a romantic relationship is a big fear that keeps me from living the way I should live. So much like a “Simon and Garfunkel” song, I live my life much like a that rock. Feeling no pain and the island that never cries. I really think I have forgotten how or never had the knowledge of how to love and live in a wonderful way.

I can say I have had a wonderful time with who I am since I transitioned. I am a much happier person. But still I am lonely like I always was. Even when I was with someone I was alone in my past. That is a hard thing to break.

Well Folks I am off for tonight…..Hope you all have a great day!!!

TTFN
Love Candice

12 September Journal

Happy Humpday Everyone! Yeah its the same story as usual, humpday and not humping to be happening in my world. Well, other than work LMAO

It seems stupid runs rampid at work. From the sexism at the place I am at this week, to the idiocy of operations I am a bit frustrated. Not stressed out much at all really. When I go home, I turn off work now. Unlike when I was the Supervisor doing what I do now, work seemed to follow me home. Now days, I dont bring it home unless I want to, not because I have to. I chose to work on Sunday last. I needed to get a billing issue worked out. It wasnt really hard giving the fact that the vendor didnt submit any of the invoices in question for payment. Then we add today, somehow operations had lost a unit and never even knew it was lost. I found out about it and had to deal with being sure the correct people knew what was going on. Talk about idiocy. Then there are two people who know that I know my business both maintenance and admin wise, whom will ask me questions. There is another two or three whom avoid me like I have some sort look of eating them on my face. Like I was a werewolf or Gila Monster or something. I mean they will go 200 feet out of their way to avoid being anywhere close to me. I am like good flipping grief. Sexism at its best. A week or so ago they were having an issue with something. I told them what it was without any hesitation. THey didnt listen, then the supervisor checked what I said and found that I was correct stating that they should listen to this old girl. They still wont, and you know what? I really dont give a flying Fuck! They can be racist, sexist and everything and also FAIL! WHoo Hooo!

So otherwise, the world is as normal as always. I need to get moving on my shower and start getting ready for bed. Thing is I am still learning about how women are really treated. OMG I hate to think I was that way. Yet I know I was. Its really revolting you know. Hope you all have a good night.

TTFN
Love Candice

9 September Journal

Good Sunday Morning Everyone. Its a wonderful 100% humidity and 70 degrees outside. As far as I know it has been raining all night and was still raining when I got up at 4. Why I could not sleep past 4 I have no idea. I did not get to bed until 9 last night and had along day of American Legion meetings and some time with a friend to go shopping. We did our usual antique thing and then some dinner. Her sister was with us and we all were laughing as usual. Unfortunately it was mostly at my expense as I managed to spill tea all over myself at the restaurant and spent the next 3 hours with a sugary dried substance all over my dress, not to mention myself.

The fellow I was supposed to go out with yesterday never contacted me. I cant remember if I was supposed to tell him that I was done with the meetings. No skin off my nose either way. He is one of those kinds that sometimes you hear from him and sometimes you don’t.

So I have laundry going and will be doing that all day it looks like. Wearing my own clothes at work leaves you with a bit more laundry than when you go to work change into a uniform to do your job. I really was wasting the washer to do a small, well, very small load every week. So having the washer full is both a welcome change and a disheartening one. I am not wasting energy on a tiny load and I have to put away more clothes than I am used to. Good Grief.

We did go yesterday Looking at clothes to figure out what fits and what is cute and looks good on me. I had a little help which was great. SO I need to get some funds together and get some clothes to wear to work. Maybe one outfit a week for a while until I have some decent things to wear. With that I need to go through what I have and start purging out some of the “junk” clothes I been toodling around in. Yeah I know, don’t toss them all. I know I will need some mull around the house clothes to do yard work and other stuff in.

Boy all the changes that are having to take place lately is great in so many ways and not so great in some in others. The pocket book is going to be hit a little hard over all this. Not that I haven’t been trying here and there. But the old life did not require much for the work wear. Which now means I can go out to do things and have a bit more of choice on what to wear. That too will make morning get ready a little more tough with so many choices to fit my mood of the day. Which as we all know, every woman has a different mind each day not to mention a different attitude. LOL

So I have a second load of laundry going. I need to eat some breakfast because I am actually hungry. I need to cut the cheese back in my diet so I can see if some things will take a chill pill. I also need to start on the work I need to get done today for work. Make dinner and do up some brownies that I have not made in a while, like over a year. So I am off of here to get all that done up. Hope you all have a great day!!!

TTFN
Love Candice

8 September Journal

Good  Morning folks its Saturday. When you stare at a computer all week, and you aren’t used to it, the last thing you wanna do when you get home is look at one more. So I have not written this week. I am still getting used to my new way of life. That being sitting around looking at a computer all day. I have finally gotten to where I am moving my sleep schedule a little. I cannot believe I made it to 6 am this morning.

So work was a total disaster this week. I have been doing shop supervisor stuff at the lot i was at all week. The new supervisor did not get his log in for the computer until Thursday. Even then I had to get his laptop set up. When I did get it set up, he wouldn’t stay in the office long enough to learn anything. I do not think he is gonna cut the muster. In the shop he is watching the guys like a hawk. He isn’t doing what I feel is the things that are needed to keep things  running other than being out there. In the office, I am doing his job and not mine. So after certain events of the week, I had to go have a meeting with GM as the last thing of my day. He had concerns as well and it was found out we were both, as well as the safety supervisor, were all on the same page of concerns.

Next on the thought process today, NOTHING. After this week, my brain is worn out. I am just not thinking about much of anything. I do have an American Legion Meeting today. I have not been to one nearly all summer. I either forgot or had to work. That is some normal summer things with this company. Not to mention I will be doing some work tomorrow. I need the quiet and undisturbed time to dig through Invoices and PO’s for the vendor who is stating they have not gotten paid. I do know I have dealt with this vendor on this issue more than once. I am willing to bet that the vendor has gotten paid and probably has not submitted some of the invoices with PO’s to our AP department. In which case I will not be able to assist them if they don’t provide the documents for payment.

I have placed my Profile for dating back online. I have gotten some chatting going on. I am also a bit more open to the idea of going out now than I was in the past. I am still not sure I am ready to do a full-blown out relationship. I do need get some things done that requires a mans muscle. So I am not sure what I am gonna do about that. The idea of using a man to do what needs to be done and dump them is a two-fold thought for me. Use ’em and dump ’em. use ’em sex ’em for payment then dump ’em. Either way I do not know what will happen. There could be a third thing, falling in love. Which if my walls stay up, wont ever happen and that will have them running away anyways. That is if my height and trans-ness doesn’t do it first. However speaking of being trans, no one knows unless I speak. SO I try not to speak to them unless they see me first. Though work does keep me on the phone and I am learning how to speak a bit more feminine. That is a lot of hard work for MTF trans person. My voice did change some on its own. I been working a bit more on it also over the last few years. Still it is a hard thing to maintain all day long when you aren’t used to it. When I was on the shop floor I did not worry about trying that much like I need to now. I would at the store or the restaurant while I would be out. But that is nothing compared to all day long. When I get tired, like I was on the latter part of this week, i don’t try much or extremely hard. Back into the main subject of this paragraph, Dating. I had a date the other night it was OK. Nothing fancy and nothing overly exciting. Just dinner with a man who ended up paying. I was not expecting him to pay my dinner but he did and he didn’t tip the waitress. That kinda got under my skin. I don’t think he is going to be a keeper. I am supposed to have a date with another fellow today sometime. So I will see what happens there.

There isn’t much else going on here. Just working and living alone LOL. I do need to get up and get moving on my chores this morning. Then see what happens the rest of the day. Hope you all have a great!!!!

TTFN
Love Candice

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