Happy New Years to EVERYONE!! I hope you all have had a wonderful night. As usual I went to bed before the turn of 10 PM. I Slept poorly for whatever reason. Trying to get myself used to getting up by the alarm again. I woke up about 530 which is late in comparison to what I normally do during the week. Nothing is planned for the day, since all but the bathroom is cleaned up. I have little mail to get through and see what I was sent. Junk Mail already trashed. Rice and Black Eyed Peas is on the menu for the day. I am going to make my Japanese Sticky rice and see what I can do with that. Though my brain isn’t working so well at the moment.
I have to say that Happy Years is for everyone, that is except the Jack Wagons, losers, scammers and druggies. As that is what I have had for interests in me for dating. I am not sure where all these people all come from. I didn’t know there were that many of them out in the world. So I am thinking I am going to just leave the dating for the youngsters. I have other things to worry about rather than the idea of a relationship. Besides, dating this day and age is crap. TO many way to cheat on your partner, the laziness and best of all, having to change my life for another person, is not high on my list of desires. With that, sayonara dating! (Who am I Kidding LOL) I am coming up on three years since my last ex left me. I have to say, as much as I thought I would miss the idea of a relationship, I am not missing it as much as I thought I would. I am wondering if I really need to ditch the dating thing at all. But as I think about it I just think that all I need is sex and man power for lifting things. Otherwise I am ok with being alone. These men have lost their ever living minds it seems. No one is serious about a relationship or serious dating at all. Spending time with someone for more than sex seems to be a lost thing with people these days. I personally think my biggest issue is the fact that I am afraid to fail, again. Part of me is saying “hell to the no”, a small part says “what, are you crazy?” I think I am more open to the idea of a half ass relationship than I used to be. BUt I still have my fears of failing, being hurt either emotionally or even physically for that matter. Then we have to add the idea that I am a transwoman and in appearance, intimidating as hell due to my height. So the ever present tall girl issue. MOst men do not want to be with a tall woman. Especially one that is taller than he is. They tend to feel inferior and belittled. Much of that is the stigma that surrounds the idea that the man has to be “bigger” than the woman. If you are dating a woman taller than you, well, ou must be a “pussy”. BUt are they really? I mean it would take a hell of a big man on the inside to date a woman as tall as me, especially a transwoman.
Work is another place that has made some great improvements this past year. Hopefully my three weeks off has not jeopardized my position. They have given me a ton of power in many ways. The other part is I got my money back on paycheck. I have gotten a little to important it seems. That has made it even harder to take time off as that goes. I have to say this, I have earned respect and trust of the company in a great many ways. I have to say that is a great accomplishment. Unlike what I was expecting since my transition. I know a lot of folks that are also “Trans” having issues with work. I have learned a lot of the problem is that the attitude they hold is where they are having issues. Some are to bold and demanding of respect because they are of the LGBT Community. This is where I am not the same. I don’t expect to be given anything because I am trans. I work my tush off and have nights of sleeplessness due to worrying about how to get a job done in the best way possible in the least amount of time. Though my workload has increased dramatically I have managed to maintain the whole of the job. I don’t know how I do it to be honest with ya. Many others wonder how I am doing it also. Which is why I needed the time off for some much needed decompression.
This time last year, I was in a tisy mentally. My mother was in the hospital and well, I attempted to go see her. I went with my daughter and we were quickly ran out of the hospital by my dad. I had to go back to my therapist and talk it out. I did eventually get over it, sort of. How do you really get over the idea of being disowned? I don’t think you ever really do. You just learn to let it go and, with a lot of meditation learn to let it go and most importantly, Not Hold a Grudge. If you do hold a grudge, then you are only robbing yourself of your own happiness and not taking anything of the other party who really just flat dont give a rats ass. That has to be remembered when dealing with anyone that you are close to and they leave you or shun you for being just plain stupid.
Over the last year I have learned a few more things about myself. I have had to get new hobbies with the transition. After three years, no one sees me as who I was. They only see who I am. So I picked up sewing again. Something I did share with a couple of my parental people in my life as a young person. One was my Grandma, the other my mom, and lastly an Aunt. I did enjoy it but the ideas given by the general population says one thing regardless of how you are thinking. So I did as was the general reason for living and to make a fair living in my life. I made a quilt and a pillow a T-Shirt quilt and am working on a couple reusable grocery bags. Yeah the pillow was rather stupid but is something I wanted to do with some left over t-shirt parts that I didn’t want to trash. I am planning on putting pics on the Projects Page. So far the reviews from a couple of friends has been phenomenal. I have to work on the inside more for a way to repair and hide the seams better. Short of that, its been fun little projects that can be sold, I hope.
I have to say, my life is not that bad. There is nothing that is really bad or wrong. I mean the bills are paid, I have a decent job that is not all it’s cracked up to be, yet, it’s not so bad. I have a few decent friends that love me dearly. I don’t have to worry about others trashing my house or leaving up the toilet seat. I don’t have to be buying food more than just me. My money is mine, my body is mine and I don’t have to share. I am alive and healthy. I have a few issues to work out but who, doesn’t? Could I be more out going on the dating scene? Maybe. Could I be more assertive in other areas of my world? Maybe so if I wanted to be huge bitch. I am a tough and strong woman. I am also sensitive, caring and smart. Not to mention witty and loving, a smart ass and fun loving too. Maybe I am not suffering the way some folks wanted me to. It is funny how we can go and figure out ourselves when we really need to do so. Life and people are weird that way. Don’t ya think?
As I have sat and spent a about two weeks to myself, I have really learned that I need some changes, that there is nothing wrong with me 100%. I am doing very well, contrary to popular belief or even wants. I am surviving, and being me and for once in my life, happier than I have ever been. What sucks is that the people I cared about the most don’t want to share in the fact that I happy, go lucky, bright outlook person I am. What I am not, is the depressed angry person I once was. There is such a big change in who and what I am, how I see life and the world, compared to where I was just a few years ago. Yes I will always miss the family I grew up with and love. But, I cannot be put out by it. I have learned I am so capable of a lot of things. I am capable of anything and the time is coming, though I don’t know when, that I am going to be self employed again. I am capable and am probably more mentally ready than I think I am. As this year comes more and more into fruition, I am sure I will progress forward and be more and more happier and enjoyable to be around. I will be moving myself toward my goals of having a house and other ideas of moving away from this silly city. So with the new year you too should move forward and if needed, make those positive changes. If we get stagnant then we aren’t living our lives, we are living someone else’s.
I hope you all have a great day and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!