17 February Journal

Happy Sunday everyone. It is wet and cold again. This is the craziest weather. Someone needs to decide if the outside heater or freezer is going to be on. Its getting kinda old actually with this up one day down the next and constant wet weather.

My constant and no stopping ways for the last almost two months had finally caught up with me. The crazy work stuff, weekend ALR and unexpected friends visiting had taken its toll finally. I went to sleep friday and passed out. Got up yesterday and did my errands, coming home to pass out again, then to bed early and then also being passed out again for another nearly 12 hours. I feel better now and will plan on doing as little as possible today to gain more rest. Lunch may be a couple of hot dogs. I have had a craving for a hotdog for a few weeks . Tonight is going to be Salad with grilled chicken. I have gotten out of the salad habit and think its time I get back to them a little more than I have been. With all the “poison” and recalls for the veggies lately, its been hard to keep a salad in the fridge. Usually I do keep peppers and onions in the fridge and some occasional tomatoes, As well as the potatoes that seem to spoil before I ever get them all eaten. Back on topic, I have just been totally worn out and am glad I am feeling more rested today.

A friend of mine bought a purse from good will. The strap attachment is coming loose and the stitching is torn. I was asked to fix it. I have yet to fix it due to not having any time to get it done. I might be able to get into that project today. I had to decide ho to do it without destroying the liner of the purse, or ruining the stitching of the adornments on the purse to include seams.

I still have to finish laundry, and also get that put away. I am needing to do some tidying up done as well. I have let a lot of stuff get all cluttered the last several weeks. Though I spent some time to keep certain things put away, but, it has not been enough. I am really hating the clutter that is on display. I am not planning on working my self to death today.

Well Folks, I am getting off of here. I need to get my few chores done that should not take that long, I hope. Make some lunch and dinner through out the day and then do nothing all the other times. Hope you all have a great day!!

Love Candice.


10 February Journal

Good Morning folks, its a cold and wet Sunday! I am ready for company to go on their way. The constant chatter and noise is driving me crazy. After two years of being alone, its hard to get used to a constant chatter when you are home. Home is my get away and quiet time. Here lately it seems to be more of a fort rather than just a get away and quiet time. I am becoming a hermit crab and not much for being out and about. That is my fault. Sadly, come around sun down, I am usually ready to turn off completely. The last few days, that has been a no go totally. I know when they leave I can relax and take an ear break.

Whew! They Finally Left. I am glad also. I enjoy the company don’t get me wrong. However, I am not used to a lot of talking when I am at home. Even my normal friends that I hang out with most of the time doesn’t talk that much.
Yesterday We spent the day at the antique shops. I did finally get a new sewing machine. That goes with the one a friend got me. The antique 1910 one I bought was only bought for the stand. The 1910 model has some funny looking shuttle cock for a bobbin that I have to learn about. Sadly its nearly all locked up and I have to do some work to it first. So I swapped the machines out. The Singer went to the travel box, the Aldens (which I cannot find any info on) went into the stand. I wanted another treadle machine. Funny, the Aldens one had a motor and a belt. Its mounting style, and the removal of the motor made it into a treadle type with no issues. My friend could never get the Alden one to work right. I finally got a little peace and quiet, then figured out what was wrong. I did not know that the direction the thread is put into the needle could affect the sewing action. But, on this one it did. I have to thread the needle reverse of what I am used to. The rest is like any other machine. Now the 1910 model is something totally different that is going to require me to do some massive reading on how to use it.
Laundry is on its way to being completed. Since I started it yesterday or Friday, I am glad to be able to sit and chill out. I know I am going to go into hiding for a few weeks I think. I am so tired it will take them to get caught up and feeling more like I should be. I think Now it is nap time. I am just totally Exhausted out. Lay over on the couch and get a decent nap in. Maybe fix dinner then move to the bed time.

Hope you all have a good day.
Love Candice

3 February Journal

Good Morning Folks, its Sunday. Stand by for more of the same. LOL! I have to get started cleaning the floors soon. Laundry is started and probably 2 more loads to do today. I did get my grocery shopping done, meeting done and a short time with a friend to unwind a minute before coming home. Then it was shower time, sliced up beef for jerky and got into a spicy marinade. So far I also did the dishes that I hadn’t gotten to.

My Sleep was pretty good last night. I had a dream of my parents and my sister. Some reason my brother wasn’t in it. In the dream they did finally allow me to be part of the family again. However, the relationship was as always, still strained. Mom wasn’t all happy at the fact I resemble her so much. Matter of fact, she was so disliking of that, even when a picture taken of us side by side, looking like twins, she was still denying it altogether. I wonder if that is my sign about the way things are? I don’t know what it really means honestly. I could question it more and I could let it go. Odds are I will think about it for a long time, days or even weeks as I usually do.

Tonights dinner is going to be meatloaf, mashed potatoes and I am not yet 100% sure which veggie(s). Probably Sweet peas and ranch beans. I have not made meatloaf in a couple months for some crazy ass reason. Usually its at least once a month. But lately I have been so busy and eating other things that I have not made it. So I think its time for a treat. Though I have not yet decided on my veggies, as I usually put sweet peas in the meatloaf so I will have decide on something while I am cleaning here shortly. In the meantime, I will cook breakfast, shower and get my cleaning done. I do have to put my jerky in the dehydrator around noon. That is my plan anyways.

OK Folks, I hope you all have a great! I am hungry, and need to get busy as a beaver getting some wonderful cleaning smells going on in my house. No Rest for the weary. LOL

Love Candice

2 February Journal

Happy Saturday Every one. At least it has warmed up a little from the roller coaster we had been on this week. Its only in the 40s and is supposed to be upwards closing to 70 today and the next few days. I guess that is ok. THe only thing I am hating about winter, at least right now, the cost of keeping the house somewhat comfortable. It costs me less to cool the place to a tolerable temp than to heat it. Maybe I will be able to open some windows later today and the weekend. I have not been able to open the windows at night since I have been in this house. Mostly because last year we had no spring, went from winter to summer in a couple days. I would love to have the windows open at night for a change.

This past week, actually two weeks, has been long as hell. No resting no time to chill out. Just simply come home eat shower and bed, wake up shower go to work. It is taking its toll on my physique. We have so much going on at work that it has come to a issue that needs to be dealt with. Mental Exhaustion, lack of rest, fever blisters, broken teeth, and constant stress has taken its toll on me in so many ways. I dont see much of a change in the near future. I will have to take the time myself to get it I think. I did manage to get a soaking bath on wednesday. I needed it and felt better afterwards and through most of Thursday. The stresses at work quickly took all that away. 😦

Well Peoples, I do need to get ready to get my errands ran. Hopefully I can get back and take a nap, make dinner and then rest most of the weekend. I dont think that will happen much. I need to get the house cleaned up too. Paper work filed away, sweep and mop the floors, vacuum the rugs and get the bathroom cleaned up. Cleaning the floors is an all day project. With the mopping and sweeping, moving the furniture, its a long thing to do. Not to mention all that stuff needs to be moved and the hair cleaned up. I have plenty of that floating around with the amount of hair I have on my head. it looks like I have a long haired animal around here in certain areas. LOL

Ok well, I am off to do my thing. Have a great day!!!

Love Candice

27 January Journal

Good morning everyone!!! Another week come and gone, and well, still financially screwed. Seems to be an issue in my life. I mean I am broke but have not gotten to the point of being in overdraft yet. I still think I am sick or getting there. Work has dragged me down and stressed me out. I am exhausted from lack of food intake that is worthy of eating. Work piling things up that has to be done on an 8 hour day, on top of the lack of food in the house takes it toll. Lucky I have been cutting costs as much and anywhere I possibly can. Such as the tortillas I am now making. $.05 each per tortilla or $.24 each per tortilla? I go with the .05. That figures everything; electricity, and materials totally included. That comes out to two packs of 10 tortillas for half the price of one, if I make them myself. That is saving me about 5 dollars a week in breads I use during the week. Since the only breads I eat is tortillas. That leaves me 5 dollars to buy veggies and other minor things such as half gallon of milk, or even a few dollars of fuel to get to work and back. That is life in the grand ol’ world of Candi at the moment. Buckle the belt a little tighter, and run around bare foot to keep the costs down.

Speaking of cutting costs and being/getting sick, I cant seem to stay healthy with the constant change in temps. Not only out of doors, but the office and home too. 64 degrees in my house, 75 at work. Its no wonder I am not all regulated in temps and cant stay immune to things. It doesn’t help that my new supervisor is all kinds of snorting and sneezing. So I am planning on doing nothing much today but rest and sleep as needed. I do have to get to the grocery for the few things I can afford. Do some research and math while I am there. See if there is anything else that can be done to reduce more and more costs of the food bill, keep it healthy as possible as well as filling and lasting.

Dating has come to a halt completely. I have not got the money to traipse all over the county going out on dates. Not only that, getting stood up is crap. Not to mention spending all that time to try and get to know a person only to find you wasted your time with all that mess. Besides, Maybe I am just to much of a prude or something. Its fine that I am. I do have a set of values that need to be upheld. However, there are days I think I should let it go a little and take a chance for the wonderful idea of a change. Hell, think about it, 40 plus years of fighting who and what I am to become who I am now and actually be happy, has been one of the best things I have ever done. Lets dont forget the greatest thing of all, the parent of a couple of wonderful kids. Though now grown, and I dont see them or talk to them everyday like we did when they were home, I still think about them.

So why is change, even when its needed, so hard to accept or even do? We get into a comfortable routine and hate to get uncomfy and lose the way we have going at the time. I know the last few posts has talked about lots of change in my home due to money, or should I say lack of money. As I learn to run a house on less money as a woman, and doing it alone, I am accepting a great deal of changes. I have thought hard about a relationship. I know that it is going to take a bit time for me to allow someone to live with me, not to mention allowing my walls of protection down enough to even date again. Whomever it is, will have to understand the idea of letting things develop rather than pushing. Once I make up my mind and am comfy with a person, I will be all in. Sadly that fear of failure, not being good enough, not being what is wanted and a host of other self conscience things has kept me from venturing deep into the dating scene and especially letting someone into my bedroom. Should I allow some one(s) in my bed occasionally to learn about myself? Maybe that is just what I need to do. But that change is what I am having an issue with. TV seems to lean towards the try em before you buy em dating scenarios. Yes, I have fantasies and dreams of things in the dating world and hopeful long term relationships. What I need to do is let my guard down a little. Allowing a person into my life and not worrying about the idea of failing. Failing is a product of learning and living. When I fail, especially now, I own it. At work I accept responsibility for my faults openly. I also refuse it if it isnt my fault because the person who did it should be.

What I am also seeing and learning is that I am now a woman. Treated as such in a great many ways now. Also there is the idea of not being the master of the house like I was as a man. Maybe I dont want to let go of that. Also there is the need to be that queen rather than the king of the house. Not being the one with all the power of acquiring the loan because of man hood, but the one in the back ground advising yes or now to that loan or purchase based on the bank book. Men arent always the best at the bank book, let us also know that some women fall into the same boat. I can say I have been on both sides of that fence. Now days, I sit at the check book at least once, but usually twice per week making decisions on what can and cannot be paid and bought for the week. With that, at work I am the same way. I am respected in a way I never was before. Asked to handle things that require math, memory and female intuitions, I am regarded as an asset to the company, nationwide as a matter of fact. In the real world, with my friends and passers by, I am also respected for my style, perseverance and knowledge. Men look at me and want a piece of me, women are now envy of me and both, I am not sure how I want to accept that. I have made a name for myself yes. I also am a stubborn bitch and don’t take a lot of BS for very long. Yes I too am now tooting on my own horn. In someways maybe I need to do that. I also have my days when I look in the mirror and see who I once was even now almost three years later from the beginning of transition. As I look back to where I was back then, and really did expect to be all kinds of screwed up by now. Financially, mentally, and physically, I thought for sure that I would be destitute now. Luckily I have made it through that and learned, attitude is everything. Keeping a level head, knowing how to talk with and to people has been a big help. Watching the women in my life in the past, including mom, sister, and other women in the world, I have learned what it takes to make things happen. Though I don’t use the wiles of womanhood to gain anything, I probably could. That isn’t me and I prefer to use the power of the brain. As I have moved farther and farther away from the person I was and more and more to who I am. I realize I have always been who I am. LOL I am more of a happy person. Things don’t stay inside and bring me down the way they used to. I have learned to let things out of my head with my friends, say what needs said, asking questions and then move on. Remember all that is my Virgoistic way and I rarely forget anything. When I do, I can recall where to find it. No one is perfect. Not man, woman or even humanity. Hormones I think had a great deal to do with my attitude. Yet, I cant say that is the thing all women have coursing in their veins. Some are just plain ass mean and maybe the sun sign they are is part of that. I have seen to many things about women and men. Men have an ego, women usually don’t show it the way a man does.

Wow! This post has rambled on a good while now. I have not written this much on my posts in a good while. Positive is a power I now have. I know, I have written my share of extremely negative posts. I am working to remove that from my life. Yet, this is Memphis, I have never seen so much negative people in my life. Everyone here is so negative about everything. Its really hard to stay positive here. The news is totally morbid, the people want change and yet wont do anything about it. I am not sure what will happen in this stupid ass town in the future. Will it ever regain the grandeur it had once, or will it continue to fail in being a place people can really call home? What about the USA? give us some thought, The real issue is hate, not diversity. Being a transwoman, I am working hard to ensure one, I am a woman, but most importantly; that a trans person is not the evil that is spoke about by the media, news and government. Yeah there is the few that probably is what is not becoming of a human. However, mostly we are not the people of sexual predators, that is left to crazy mentally deranged people.

With that, I am off here. I have written way to much and still have to get my pics on this post. Hope you all have a great day!!!

Love Candice

19 January Journal

Buenos Dias Everyone! Its Saturday, thank the Lord I made it. I think I am getting sick. It hasn’t hit 100% yet, but I can feel it. This has been a long week that flew by sort of. My office was moved from the location it was at to another. Had to move two desks, files, paper work, electronics and rebuild the door frame to the new office. That put me behind in the other duties I had to get done. So for two days I spent time getting caught up and building a door frame at the same time. Hopefully Monday I will get back into normal schedule and get some rest. Which I am resting this weekend sort of.

Went to bed early for a Friday night, I had a headache, tired from lack of sleep and exhausted from all the work stuff going on. Needless to say I was up at 430 which for me is sleeping in. I got a little hungry and made a small amount of breakfast, then since I am out of tortillas, decided to make them on my own. I think I made about 20 tortillas for less than the standard 10 that come in a package. I have not done the math yet soon I will. I can say they are better tasting than the ones from the store. Even a friend that stopped by said they look like store, and taste better than the store. I tasted a piece of what I gave them. I must say it was great without anything on it. Just plain old tortilla. I do use and eat a lot of tortillas through out the week. I need to add them up, cost per tortilla and see which way is the best. Well, best aside from healthy of making your own. With the money issues of late, I am to the point of cutting every cost possible. Things I use all the time are being home made rather than being purchased.

As I add to my chores every week to have something else to do and make, I don’t get much time for dating or even attempting to find a date. Which I know I am not going to find anyone. I am just not what men or women want. I am not woman enough for straight men, not man enough for gay men, the same for the women. So I am just totally screwed in the dating department. I am just not going to try anymore. The stress, the hurt, the fear, all leads to hardships mentally. In case you wonder what the fear is, it is of failing. I hate like hell to fail. Especially at a relationship.

Anyways folks, I think I am going back to bed. I need to get more rest and liquids and see if what ever this is that is coming on, will hopefully get this stuff gone. I hope you all have a great day!!

Love Candice

13 January Journal

Good afternoon everyone, its a gloomy cold day. Luckily the rain is not here just the heavy clouds. I did some work this morning to find out of some changes. Those changes are making it nearly impossible to do my job. If I am reading into what I am seeing, I may not have the position I have for very long. So I sent an email to two of my supervisors so they knew what was going on.

I made some homemade hot pocket thingys and will make some salad later. I will most likely have one of those pocket things and some salad. Short of that, I have not done much else of anything. Laundry and dishes as usual for Sunday. A lengthy bath and shave my legs. My legs have not been shaved for like two weeks and I will say this, I am so glad my hairs are not what they used to be. Otherwise I may look like Sasquatch!!! I been busy doing things and just really have not afforded myself the luxury of sitting in a nice hot bath, reading a book. Something I need to do more often than I have allowed myself the last couple weeks or so. To have that solitude of self pampering is a wonderful flushing thing.

So I took care of dinner, salad that was superb. Lettuce, sliced in half grape tomatoes, celery, onion, grated cheddar, Avocado, pickle relish, lime juice, green olives and some nacho peppers. I have to say this was a really good salad on its own. Sadly there wasn’t much color. The cheddar hidden by all the green stuff, only the tomatoes set it off. I usually put spinach in it too, but, I have had none in a while. I could have grated some carrot to add some color. I didn’t have any though.

I did get my bath of a half hour soaking. Then took care of the hygiene issues and whalah I feel lots better. I am thinking that I may be about to get sick. I have this feeling in my throat that makes me feel that I could be about to get sick. Since I transitioned, the feelings of being sick and how my whole body reacts to everything actually, is so much different now that I have to be sure I am one way or the other sick or not. Nothing feels the way it did before. Obviously, hot is hot, cold is cold, pain is pain, yet, hot sometimes comes when everyone else is freezing.

Well, I only been finding things to ramble on about just for the sake of writing (talking) nothing of any significance. Which I can also say, is better than the constant complaining. Complaining all the time has become a way of life the world has now days. I have been attempting to change that like you could never know. A friend of mine is doing the same thing. We have this habit of just finding things to complain about. So anyways I am going to put my things away and chill out some more. Have a Great Day!

Love Candice

12 January Journal

Happy Saturday Evening evening everyone! It has been a long week. Today was wet, cold, and also long. After doing the errands with my friend, and getting finally home, I am worn out. Luckily, I was not having to spend any funds.

The check book has taken a hard hit over the last month and a half. Losing out on 33 dollars per week out of what I had set aside is not cool. I ended up getting the cheapest of cheap stuff at the grocery, dry rice and beans, some juice, eggs and milk. That was all I could afford without putting my account into the hole. So the winter weight I have put on is about to go bye bye. I know I am going to be bean and riced out before I get where I have some extra funds. Good thing I have learned to make other things such as tortillas, breads and dishes that will last me a week. I can make my own refried beans, and there are a few frozen and canned veggies in the mix left over from previous purchases. The heater has been turned down to 60 to keep the bill at a bare minimum. I am having to stay in a light sweater to make it more bearable. As needed, I put a throw on my legs and feet before bed while I am watching TV. Then in the bed, I try to stay covered and breathable. Damn hot flashes are hell and covers by midnight are almost not needed. So in other words, I have pulled the belt pretty tight on my finances. I am working with a few of my bills to see about reducing them before I get into a bind. I may have to cancel a few things before it over.

Aside I am doing good. Somehow I am not freaked out like I have been in the past over bills and finances. Somehow I am Managing the funds I have correctly, making adjustments, and getting through this. Hopefully I will have a good year. It isn’t starting out well. December was a total disaster with all the things I dealt with. I don’t know where I am getting my up beat mood, but at least I am not feeling like the world is going to end. What has really happened, I learned to be a woman. I talk about what is going on with friends and get through it. It does help being able to talk about things. It really and truly does. I wished I had learned that a long time ago. I very well could have transitioned 30 years ago rather than almost 3 years ago. I have come a long ways since this time 2 years ago. I just started presenting as a woman at work and full time life. Scared, frightened, and not sure what was I going to encounter. Now, I dont even leave the house without make up. I do my thing as a woman no matter what. Some days I am lazy and just chill out. Others I take a nap, I do my chores, Have a cozy place to call home. I have good friends that wont let me get into a depressed mood, and if I am they help me. I can say I have never had so much pleasure in my life as I do right now. Even among the crap that has come along, I have made it. I have made into womanhood, love of life, love of self, and just plain happiness.

Well Folks, enough about my issues, its time to watch tonight’s SvenGoolie Movie and then hit the bed. Hope you all have a great night!!

Love Candice

6 January Journal

Happy Sunny Sunday everyone. The last two days has been sunny and warm for the time of year we are in. Which we needed to the sun after nearly an entire week of rainy wet nasty weather. I am glad to see it has made it out to bless us with its warmth and happiness.

I have a friend, who, is having issues. Sadly, she still hasn’t decided to get out of the cage of fear and depression. She asked to come over Friday and Saturday. So Friday came and I texted her to find out the plan. No reply. I checked a couple hours later and found she had been on but never read the message. Anyways I never heard from her, then finally texted her yesterday evening late and she replied with a ton sized text. I replied this morning to the length of things she had to say. Really there is nothing that can be done for her other than listen to the “oh whoas me” story over and over again. Try to get the happiness back with some inspirational words and to find they only fall on deaf ears. You can only do so much for people, if they dont wanna listen and accept the advise and work to a goal, then, nothing will happen. At which point people walk away. As for myself, Yeah I have some really depressive posts. However, I have learned to get the things in my head out in some form. I do have friends I also talk to on a regular basis which also helps what is in my head. The world is a crappy ass place, I know. Talking and finding an outlet for things is a big help.

So yesterday I made Enchiladas again. Best ever to be tooting my horn. The Corn starch thickened up the juice of the beef/chicken chili mix, rolled into corn tortillas and laid on the rice bed in my biggest of dutch ovens, 14″er. LMAO. Then the green chili enchilada sauce, cheese, olives, and serrano peppers were added as a topping and baked latre for about an hour. The last five minutes of baking, the lid was removed and the oven placed on broil to char the cheese a tad for some extra flavor. It was some really good Enchiladas, if I do say so My self.

Well Folks, I am working on some cleaning and need to get back up from the couch to get that done. I hope you all have a great day!!

Love Candice

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